Where Is The "Me Time" I Used To Have?

As busy homeschooling moms we all need time to recharge ourselves.  We crave the quiet more than anything else and often times wish we could fit in more time with the Lord.  As mothers we often give to the point of empty.  We need time to refuel ourselves.  We may find ourselves asking the question, "Where is the time for me?"

I take time for myself some days and I do feel refreshed, but the instant I get home and realize all the work that has piled up while I was absent, I want to walk right back out the door to find more time for me.  I sometimes feel sorry for myself, "poor me" is the feeling I am left with .  Why do I have to come home to all this work.  Why are these people helpless without me?  And soon enough I am planning my next escape either out the door again, on the computer, or a long distance call to a missed girlfriend.  Feeling guilty over these resentful feelings I started to see my behavior as selfish.  I was convicted to start rethinking "me time".  I did not want to look at time alone as something that was owed to me and I better get it or else the whole ship is going down. 

Knowing that the need to be refreshed is very real I started to rethink ways of getting refreshed.  How could I get the "me time" I needed without the resentful feelings upon re-entry into my demanding life?  My answer was Him.  God can be our refresher.  God can fill in us what is lacking on the outside.  Any time that I "need" to get away should be spent seeking Him.  Anything else we try to fill will fall short every time.  And just as important, any friends we are with during our time away should be women who support our vocations as wives and mothers.
So when you need to get some "me time" this lent ask your self what can you do during that time that will bring you closer to Him who is true refreshment?  Can you make it to an hour or adoration?  Can you get up early one morning and get to mass alone?  Can you ask make a date for you and your husband to go to confession together?  Where can you get some "me time" that will be the refresher that you need?

The "Lifestyle" part of Homeschooling

Making the decision to homeschool is unlike other schooling options as it changes your whole lifestyle.  Often that means that if Mama worked outside the home, that job and her potential income is sacrificed to support this chosen way of life. 

Like many of you, I worked before children, had moved up the ladder,  and was certain of a successful career.  Then, on February 28, 1994, Elizabeth came into our world, and that career I thought was so delicious, now tasted like shoe polish.  I wanted out.  Now.

I wasn't able to stay home until we were expecting our triplets, when Elizabeth was two.  Luckily, my best pal Shelly, just next door to me, took care of my girl during those two years, so Guy could finish school and I could get home. 

The thing is, this decision hasn't meant all our troubles were gone.  Financial hardship has caused me to quit homeschooling once, only to return to see that it didn't help after paying for five kids in Catholic school, and it was stressful, on all of us.  I feel that God has called us to a simpler lifestyle, one very different from our two income friends.  Something that is hard to remember when I see they have things my children or I would like, and when the nay sayers try to place doubt in our hearts because, we let them.

Plus, when you are working, you get to engage other adults regularly and get accolades for a job well done.  Staying at home with your kids, all the time, can get maddening sometimes.  Plus, there's no cheerleader standing over me at home, when I've managed to show my second grader how to trade a ten for ones, while reviewing a middle school essay on Helen Keller and nursing a half grown baby at the same time.  No one sees...except God.  But we don't always hear His cheers.  It's easy to forget it when we are doing a job well done.  And on some days, that may mean we didn't necessarily finish out a great day of education, but we did demonstrate some virtues, ministered to our family, and accepted God's will for that particular day.

Having your children with you all of the time does mean having to sacrifice your time.  Having to take a half dozen kids to the grocery store, or to a doctor appointment, or the mechanic, is no-fun-at-all.  Sometimes you have to step back and laugh at your own nonsense.  I have gotten used to the looks, especially after having my triplets.  I remember thinking I would never get to leave the house again, until one day, I just did, and we were fine.  I used to load up my triple stroller and my five car seats and take us all to Sam's every few Saturdays and we looked like a circus act, but I had to get over it and see that this is who we are. 

And now, I know my kids better than I did before.  We have a "groove" in our day, in our choreography of our family life.  I feel so lucky to actually get to raise my kids and spend the time with them I missed so much before, when we lived the traditional school life I talked about here.  Just last week I took my six pack of kids from almost 12 down to 19 months to Piccadilly for their 99 cent lunch, all by myself.  It was fine, but people looked at us as if we were the entertainment.  But remember, God sees. 

Once a lady came up to me in Cracker Barrel as we were leaving and said, "When y'all got here and were seated next to us, I have to say that I was annoyed because I knew my meal would be ruined with all those kids so close by, but your children were so well behaved and were such a treat to watch, and I just had to tell you that you're doing a great job and have a  beautiful family". 

All that time I thought I was viewed as the one who drives the clown car and brought the show, never to be taken seriously.  "There's that nutty homeschooler Kathy, with all those kids!"  Then, this little blue haired lady comes along, and may have spoken the words to me, but I know it was really God, cheering me on.

Happy Marriage, Happy Family

August 3, 1990

....ahhhh, the memories of Todd and I's wedding day. It is amazing to think that this summer we will celebrate 20 years of marriage!

So much has happened in the last 20 years of my life, but it feels like it has only been a small moment of time. I chalk that up to the fact that I am happily married (and that I've had 11 pregnancies and homeschooling along the way to keep me "busy"). Had this past 20 years been a drudgery, it probably would have seemed like 40 years-so I am thankful for the joy Christ has given to me and my family.

As the first nestlings begin to "fly" away from home, I still have toddlers at my feet, so I am not experiencing the empty-nest syndrome by any stretch of the imagination. The way Todd and I see it with our current family configuration, we'll NEVER experience the empty nest. In fact, it will probably coincide with retirement (and the end of homeschooling) which will be pretty cool!

What are some of the things that keep us happy, you say?

Well, over the years, I've found that trying to keep basically the same daily schedule with Todd (and knowing Todd's daily work schedule) produces some great family and couple time (although it tends to delete some sleep time-but we have nine children, so sleep is a privilege we don't experience in great amounts).

Each morning at 5am I treasure the "talk about the upcoming day" time where Todd and I sneak into the bathroom after the alarm gets us up and discuss what's expected from life on the current day. This helps so much-especially when I have a huge reason to call him during my school day-I don't interrupt his classes or meetings or wonder why he is not answering his phone. It works the same for him because he knows we break at 11am for lunch, so he doesn't call until then. (Because we all know what happens with school as soon as mommy gets a phone call: non-scheduled recess!)

Knowing each other's schedules is a very minor thing, but for us it reduces a lot of stress and double-scheduling of events. It is one element of our relationship that keeps us "happy". There are plenty more, but for now I thought I'd share this one with you.

Enjoy!

Angelle

Making Special Time for Mom and Dad

I remember sometime when the triplets were babies, our little house was full of baby paraphernalia.  There were three walkers, three high chairs, three...you get the idea.  I had one of those big, colorful, plastic gates to keep them in one place and was constantly helping my three year old helper over these hurdles.  I even had a table I called my "trough" where I'd scatter Cheerios and goldfish crackers so they could graze when they wanted a snack.  My brother-in-law came by one day and said, "Coming over here is like visiting a day care!", and I said something like "Yea, I know, but just try living at the daycare!".  But we did and I am so thankful for God's grace during that time.  And Tylenol.  And the invention of pacifiers.

But we know things don't get easier just because diapers are no longer on your shopping list.  As they grow and change, so does the family.  Being with your children, all the time, can bring challenges to your home, sanity, and marriage.  How do you find time to spend with your spouse when there's a child in every room and an interruption every minute, and with most, an income that doesn't allow for many dates?  We haven't completely mastered that problem yet, but have found a few things that have worked.

1.  Find ways to be alone during routine activities.

Recently I helped Guy clean out his workshop.  He's a carpenter.  It's full of sawdust.  I'm allergic to sawdust....and I married a carpenter.  God has a sense of humor, doesn't He?  I spent the latter part of that evening with ibuprofen and an iron lung.  But it was an act of love and a way to minister to him and our relationship.  But you don't have to wait til the weekends.  If the kids are playing outside and you don't have time to sit and relax because dinner is calling, enjoy a glass of wine while you make dinner together.  Even with the occasional interruption, you are still having some alone time in conversation and can reconnect before the kids come in to tell you how much they don't like what you made for dinner.

2.  Get lost in errands.

Last fall we bought a second hand sofa that we had to pick up one Saturday  morning.  Guy prepared his truck with ropes and ties, while I left things out for my mom to help with the kids during our two hour errand to Robertsdale and back.  Guy didn't need my help.  He could have gone without me.  I have no skills in loading sofas onto truck beds, but we saw a possible date.  For us, riding in his truck, without kids, was a date, okay?  We find romance where we can.

3.  Dates don't have to be dates.

Since we've been married, one of our favorite things to do is enjoy some coffee together, or an adult beverage, with one another and talk about anything.  Before children, we had loads of energy and would be up before the sun, with coffee in hand, sitting outside, watching the sunrise over the bay at our first home in Belle Fontaine.  Eventually our coffee chats turned into afternoon coffee, and now they've even morphed into mostly Saturday mornings.  The thing is, these chats are often how we keep up with one another and make sure we're still on the same page.  It says we still want to make time for each other, even if it is less time than we'd like.  If you really want a block of time, you  have to find something to occupy all of your kids, but that is another post!

All families, whether super sized or not, have dealt with this long before us.  In reading the Little House books as a child, I was in awe that those people lived in one room together all the time.  Parents rarely were away from their children and certainly didn't have nights out, but no one got divorced over it either.  They somehow found time to be together because many of them ended up with a lot of kids...hmmm.

I'm also reminded about the grace that comes with the Sacrament of Marriage.  Guy and I move about through our days together, with the kids, and we couldn't jive more if it were choreographed. I know his ways and he knows mine. He's systematic in most everything he does and my impulsive, just get it done, devil-may-care attitude has learned to appreciate this trait in him. After 16 years of marriage, a year of engagement, several years of dating, plus a few addresses and not to mention a half dozen kids, we kinda know each other. Like most married folk, we move around in any situation with an unspoken body language that only we can translate. This is one of the things about marriage that can't be explained to a person whose just getting started or never gave it a chance.  It's one of those 'you have to experience it for yourself' things.

To me, this is part of the romance in marriage, but you'll miss it if you aren't looking.  When you're dating, especially early on, in the can't wait to see him or I'll die part, everything seems romantic, and it usually is. But looking back, early love is selfish, as it should be, with no distractions of children, mortgages, insurance deductibles or psychotic pets. You can't wait for his call, then it comes and you linger on the sound of his voice. You long to see him and eat up every minute you have together. After awhile, you both get past infatuation and move on to a realistic, deeper version of love, a necessary shift, or else no one would ever leave to take the garbage out or buy groceries.

But those things that got to me when my husband and I started out, still touch me, and reassure me now, when we have so many little ones who need our time.  This is something I believe is a product of the grace in marriage. The things I loved about him then, I can still see in him, while we move through our choreography of parenthood, and I admire him and love those wonderful ways of his, ways I don't always focus on though, because I'm busy pretreating his children's underwear.

This is the person to whom we fall when everyone else seems to give us no thought, when our friends, our good friends, have disappointed us, when our families have dismissed our feelings, and the world has generally abandoned us. When we feel like no one in this world understands what it's like, to get so little time to yourself.  When the rubber meets the road, nothing feels as medicating as a strong hug in his arms and his assurance that you matter. Remember why you wanted him, forever, to never be without him. He chose you, above all, with all your goodness and all your mess. He coulda done something else, but he didn't.

He's the one who held you through disappointment, and listened to all your rants and nonsense, and told you when your oldest was only three and the triplets were nine months old and you walked in the room holding a positive pregnancy test, shaking and teary-eyed, "That's wonderful, Congratulations" and "We'll be fine" and sealed it with a kiss, and the one who put up with you when you weren't the best version of yourself.
He is that important, above all other persons, because he is not another person, he is part of you. God changed you and made you one flesh and you can feel that down to your soul, and so does he.

So the next time some smart elec sees me with my six pack of kids and says-for the hundredth time, "Don't you know what causes that yet?" I'll cough up some sawdust and say, "Of course, and we happen to like it!".